And we’re back…
I stopped for a while. I stopped because I was in love. But now I am back and it is a lovely break from my pathetic existence.
I don’t think I’ve stopped loving him, but I just am so unsure. He is an impeccable man. A flawless stone, but I’m still the same old diamond in the rough. Still trying to pass the time dancing and writing over $13 bottles of Night Harvest.
I moved out of my luxe apartment and over the bridge and through the woods to New Jersey. For now. Until I can manage to save a little money and take care of myself again. Living with him is a roller coaster sometimes awkward and weird, other times its all I could have ever wanted. I’ll make do for now. Creeping in and out at odd hours. You see, he has no idea what I do and until I can figure out how to tell him, I will continue to practice my lies just in case I choose a future career in politics.
I try to find her again, Dixie. Pull her out of my dark wretched soul. Sprinkle her with fairy dust and transform her into the Southern beauty everyone loves. I try and I try and I try. Desperately trying to make money, to remember the hustle, but I keep getting drunker and telling them my sob story. They don’t want to hear that. They don’t give a shit about me.
I gave one of them my real name and he gave me his card. He was handsome and funny. We sat for hours talking about life, music, and art. I liked him. He knew my old friends. And we drank and we laughed and we laughed and we laughed.
My phone rang the next day. And he asked for me-not for Dixie. But she was there waiting for a glimmer of a moment, a twinkle from the Christmas lights, ready to pounce. But when I arrived to his house it was the real me. Pink chuck taylor’s and graphic tee. No make-up hair swept up neatly off my face.
“There she is!” He exclaimed as he kissed my cheek in one of those awkward entrance half hug/half kiss moments.
I smiled. “Hello Walter.”
We spent the night entangled on the couch watching Bravo and MTV. Laughing and chatting in a hazy fog of Oregon Pinot Noir and percocets. We made love four times. He gave me the greatest orgasms in my sexual history.
The next morning we said our goodbyes in the elevator and I rounded the corner to the Latina’s office. I brought her coffee and made her boss uncomfortable so I journeyed back to Jersey to prepare to transform myself back into the Southern whore.
That night, I danced to Kings of Leon. It made me think of Dani while I was dancing under the whirring disco ball. It made me miss her. How she didn’t judge me for my poor choices. I just wanted someone to love me. And I was back there again feeling hopelessly alone.
